In the wake of all federal, state, and local government's recent refusal to follow such guidelines as are clearly worded in the Constitution of the United States of America stating that one of the few roles of government is to secure the blessings of Liberty to us, the founding persons' Posterity, by granting us, the American People, full and unconditional rights to do with our bodies and our minds as we see best fit (be it by smoking, drinking, gaining or losing weight, or cutting our hair in strange and unusual ways), the most upstanding and forward-thinking citizens of this economically-ailing and morally-oppressive nation have banded together to form the American Society for Securing the Blessings of Liberty (ASSBL).
Open to any person who swears that he or she has actually studied the Declaration of Independence and the Constitution with a sober and open mind and who can prove that he or she is dedicated fully to the cause of keeping the People Safe and Happy (by staying out of everyone else's business until such time as intervention is requested by them in writing), the ASSBL seeks to guide our once-fine nation back onto the course from which it long ago strayed. Said Ebenezer Higgins IX (a direct descendant of one of the original Sons of Liberty), who was himself instrumental in the founding of ASSBL, “For too long have we granted our various governmental bodies the power to control our lives and to punish us for doing with our bodies things that do not directly infringe upon the Life, Liberty, or Property of any other person, or persons. Our brave ancestors fought and died to secure for us total freedom, which we sacrificed in 1970 with the Controlled Substances Act and then again shortly after the 9-11 attacks in order to gain a simulacrum of security against the chaotic and shifting winds of Fortune, against which there is no security that has ever or can ever be devised by humankind.”
The ASSBL was inspired by the short-lived Department for Securing the Blessings of Liberty, a government body founded by President Barack Obama that flourished for, oh, about five whole minutes before the prison, district attorney, and police lobbies had its funding revoked and arranged to have its appointed members lose their lands, to have their mouths sewn shut, and to live in constant fear of being physically and politically disappeared. Dedicated to the idea that the role of government is to protect the People from external and internal threats rather than to nitpick their every action or to put them in jail for consuming drugs other than the drug alcohol, the drug nicotine, or the drug caffeine, the Society requires of its members merely that they risk their Lives, their Fortunes, and their sacred Honor to protect the Life, Liberty, and Property of their fellow homo sapiens. To sign up for ASSBL, or to donate funds to help ensure its continued existence, please call 1.877.555.GFYS, or go to www.theblessingsoflibertydonotexist.com.
場黑麥 menterefecterem fecit
Showing posts with label sons of liberty. Show all posts
Showing posts with label sons of liberty. Show all posts
14 May 2012
on keeping limbs in cars
Among this worthless whorphan's many driving-related pet peeves – drivers who do not signal turns or lane-changes, who try to multi-task while at the wheel, who drift across double yellow lines, who allow passengers to put feet up on the dashboard – few, if any, trump his frustration with persons who endanger otherwise healthy body parts by hanging them out of car windows. (As pointed out in previous posts, since my personal Life, Liberty, & Property is not directly affected by such foolhardy decisions made by others, I should not have reason to be as upset as I apparently am; perhaps it is the sheer foolish audacity of it, however, that chaps my buns.) Moreover, this piece would not have been written if I had not, just the other day, seen a local high-school driving instructor dangling his hand casually in the breeze while in the company of a young, female student-driver. (I was of a mind to drag him out of the car and beat him senseless for teaching a minor such a bad and dangerous habit, but his charge was exceeding the speed limit in a 25 mile-per-hour zone, and I could not catch them up.)
Attention, good upstanding Americans: if you put hand, foot, head, elbow, knee, leg, or arm outside of a car's window while that car is in motion, the likelihood is greater than 50% that that hand, elbow, foot, head, arm, or leg will be ripped off (whereas if you keep all of your limbs inside the vehicle, the likelihood they will be ripped off approaches 0%). Any piece of flesh – human, canine, or otherwise – that sticks out of a car while that car is in motion can, and more than likely will, hit or get snagged on, and remain stuck to, stationary objects such as street-signs, bushes, mail boxes, fence posts, parked cars, dumpsters, self-service newspaper kiosks, telephone poles, and anything else that the car might happen to be passing at the time. When moving flesh hits resting metal at forty miles-per-hour, that flesh deforms and becomes a pulp-like substance that easily separates from the body proper and stays stuck to stationary objects, where it will dangle and dance in the passing breezes.
Please, people who value their hands, who like their feet, who desire to have five fingers for as long as possible, who wish to avoid trips to the emergency room, painful surgeries, long bouts of rehabilitation, the life-long stigma of being a cripple, and phantom-limb syndrome, please keep all parts of your body on the inside of a moving vehicle at all times. This article may sound alarmist, and I may come across as a curmudgeonly fuck-wad who refuses to mind his own business, but the Second Sons of Liberty need everyone to be whole, healthy, and physically fit who shall be participating in our rekindling of the white-hot flame that is the True American Dream. So please, dear friends, be smart, stay alert, and do not risk your limbs for nothing – save that sacrifice for when it will truly count.
場黑麥 mentiri factorem fecit
Attention, good upstanding Americans: if you put hand, foot, head, elbow, knee, leg, or arm outside of a car's window while that car is in motion, the likelihood is greater than 50% that that hand, elbow, foot, head, arm, or leg will be ripped off (whereas if you keep all of your limbs inside the vehicle, the likelihood they will be ripped off approaches 0%). Any piece of flesh – human, canine, or otherwise – that sticks out of a car while that car is in motion can, and more than likely will, hit or get snagged on, and remain stuck to, stationary objects such as street-signs, bushes, mail boxes, fence posts, parked cars, dumpsters, self-service newspaper kiosks, telephone poles, and anything else that the car might happen to be passing at the time. When moving flesh hits resting metal at forty miles-per-hour, that flesh deforms and becomes a pulp-like substance that easily separates from the body proper and stays stuck to stationary objects, where it will dangle and dance in the passing breezes.
Please, people who value their hands, who like their feet, who desire to have five fingers for as long as possible, who wish to avoid trips to the emergency room, painful surgeries, long bouts of rehabilitation, the life-long stigma of being a cripple, and phantom-limb syndrome, please keep all parts of your body on the inside of a moving vehicle at all times. This article may sound alarmist, and I may come across as a curmudgeonly fuck-wad who refuses to mind his own business, but the Second Sons of Liberty need everyone to be whole, healthy, and physically fit who shall be participating in our rekindling of the white-hot flame that is the True American Dream. So please, dear friends, be smart, stay alert, and do not risk your limbs for nothing – save that sacrifice for when it will truly count.
場黑麥 mentiri factorem fecit
13 December 2011
occupy, sons of liberty
The Sons of Liberty were active starting in 1765, eleven years before the collective colonial bodies agreed to declare their independence. For eleven years they risked life and limb in order to liberate their fellow citizens from the yoke of oppression. At the time, our forefathers were fighting against an aggressive occupation by a foreign regime that had become blind to, deaf to, and destructive of, the rights and liberties of the people of this land. Now it has come to pass that the government of the USA has become blind to, deaf to, and destructive of, the rights and liberties of the people of this land.
What would these brave people say about the state of affairs in our current time? I hazard that they would gape in shock at the level of control under which the population is held. I believe they would cry foul of the inordinate rights and privileges granted to private interest (immunity from prosecution, tax breaks, a lopsided economic system that redirects the wealth generated by the labor of all Americans into the pockets of the people who control these private interests). Our founders did not sally valiantly into the night so that we, their Posterity, could eat fast food, get fat, and drive around, lazily, in gas-burning cars because our city planners failed to plan for public transportation. (One such foul and disgusting failure occurred in Los Angeles, when companies such as Dunlop and Goodyear bought that city's extensive public transportation system and dismantled it in order to sell tires, a process repeated in cities throughout the USA.)
Dig in, comrades of the Occupy movement, and know that our efforts will require time, patience, and sacrifice. It may take us eleven years, and it may take us eleven times eleven years, but we shall prevail!
Spes Mea In Ratio Est - 場黑麥 John Paul Roggenkamp
What would these brave people say about the state of affairs in our current time? I hazard that they would gape in shock at the level of control under which the population is held. I believe they would cry foul of the inordinate rights and privileges granted to private interest (immunity from prosecution, tax breaks, a lopsided economic system that redirects the wealth generated by the labor of all Americans into the pockets of the people who control these private interests). Our founders did not sally valiantly into the night so that we, their Posterity, could eat fast food, get fat, and drive around, lazily, in gas-burning cars because our city planners failed to plan for public transportation. (One such foul and disgusting failure occurred in Los Angeles, when companies such as Dunlop and Goodyear bought that city's extensive public transportation system and dismantled it in order to sell tires, a process repeated in cities throughout the USA.)
Dig in, comrades of the Occupy movement, and know that our efforts will require time, patience, and sacrifice. It may take us eleven years, and it may take us eleven times eleven years, but we shall prevail!
Spes Mea In Ratio Est - 場黑麥 John Paul Roggenkamp
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