while sitting alone

Someone who has spent the majority of his life - twenty-five years in fact - hiding from his emotions by a variety of means will of course face some difficulty when he decides to sober up and face the realities of human existence. As he delves ever more deeply into the shadowed inner realms, his dreams will likely intensify. As he puts aside the childish pursuits of purely physical pleasure, it will soon become clear to him that his duty is to take up more virtuous and worthwhile endeavors.

The temptation will be large to keep hiding, to return to the well-worn and welcoming patterns, to indulge in wantonly indulgent behavior or fleeting sexual gratification. He knows those pathways and patterns, however, and knows to where they lead, and would rather sit quietly by himself in a room, with incense burning.

Great wonders, much joy, and fathomless treasures can be found while sitting alone in a room. With incense burning.

americanifesto / 場黑麥 / jpr / urbanartopia / whorphan

on starting fresh

As part of the process of healing from addiction and childhood abuse, I am learning to keep coming back to square one. If things start getting squirrelly up in my brains, I breathe deeply using the Ujjayi method until the oppressively swirling thoughts recede. If I find myself descending into old habits and patterns, I take a few moments to examine the situation before choosing consciously to go a different route, even one that seems illogical or inefficient. I am merely at the start of this process; many of my actions are still rooted in past trauma, and often I find myself thinking self-mutilating and derogatory thoughts. I am learning however to not believe the mean guy who lives inside me, to always congratulate myself for having caught my negative behavior, and to move cautiously and with a mind to the future as I ponder a new way of things. Soon, perhaps, I may even reach a point where I can stop punishing myself for being rusty at sweet-talking a wholesome American girl. Wish me luck...

© americanifesto / 場黑麥