haiku 11 February 2019

Christians, do these things:
Heal the sick, hungry, and poor

With one name - Jesus. [ americanifesto / 場黑麥 / jpr / urbanartopia / whorphan ]

haiku 26 Nov 2018

After coming from

The dark back into the light

It takes time to heal

[ americanifesto / 場黑麥 / jpr / urbanartopia / whorphan ]

haiku 30 Mar 2018

Old trails, ancient towns
Still healing from Ynki’s war
A winning people

[ americanifesto / 場黑麥 / jpr / urbanartopia / whorphan ]

haiku 28 August 2017

The old wounds linger
Never fully healing well
There’s no cure for grief

americanifesto / 場黑麥 / jpr / urbanartopia / whorphan

on starting fresh

As part of the process of healing from addiction and childhood abuse, I am learning to keep coming back to square one. If things start getting squirrelly up in my brains, I breathe deeply using the Ujjayi method until the oppressively swirling thoughts recede. If I find myself descending into old habits and patterns, I take a few moments to examine the situation before choosing consciously to go a different route, even one that seems illogical or inefficient. I am merely at the start of this process; many of my actions are still rooted in past trauma, and often I find myself thinking self-mutilating and derogatory thoughts. I am learning however to not believe the mean guy who lives inside me, to always congratulate myself for having caught my negative behavior, and to move cautiously and with a mind to the future as I ponder a new way of things. Soon, perhaps, I may even reach a point where I can stop punishing myself for being rusty at sweet-talking a wholesome American girl. Wish me luck...

© americanifesto / 場黑麥

on making sense

One part of fulfilling the requirements for certification as a yoga teacher is to read Courage to Heal, by Ellen Bass and Laura Davis. After finishing the first chapter, some things about my life began to make sense, including why I sabotage myself in the opening phases of relationships with beautiful young women and why I am always on edge when men touch me. (I am totally comfortable sleeping next to and in the same bed with my male friends, whom I trust to not violate me, but I find myself reacting violently and forcefully whenever touched by a person I don't fully know or trust.) I have done shameful things in my life, things which only make sense if I was abused as a child too young to talk. I apologize to anyone I might have hurt; please know I was confused and scared and corrupted by the actions of persons older than I was, persons who violated the sanctity of a child's fire and crushed his tender soul. I started confronting these demons during the teacher training in June of this year, but have gradually retreated into the solitude and depression I tend to experience living in this rural backwater. It has been a subtle shift, but I recognize it now, and vow to make my life as fruitful and happy as I can make it by confronting and moving through the shameful thoughts, remembering that I am a survivor, and keeping in touch with the persons my support group. I know not who I will be once the healing really gets going, but the foundations of my soul are built on a rotten core, and so I must dig everything up and start anew. Aho!

© americanifesto / 場黑麥