I am walking down a street behind a woman and her dog. The beast stops in the middle of the sidewalk to urinate. I step accidentally in the stream of piss spreading toward the gutter, but instead of reacting angrily, I think: The poor brute had to piss somewhere – why not right here in front of me? If the bitch had been curbed, I would not have stepped in its bowel movement, but since it was not, I must shake its piss from my shoe.
Animals eat and drink; they digest and must relieve themselves; they piss and shit when their bowels get full. As a member of the species homo sapiens as well as a bowel-moving, food-digesting animal, I shall, if necessary, make water into any nearby gutter or storm drain. (My trick is to stand behind a vehicle that is tall enough to hide my junk, pull out a cellphone, fake a call, and pee into the gutter while pretending to be engrossed in conversation.) In Amsterdam, the city provides public toilets; in Berlin, peeing into the gutter is a common practice; but he will be rudely awakened who tries to empty his bowels into the street in New York, Chicago, or San Francisco.
City-dwellers of America, let us end species-based discrimination by curbing ourselves and pissing in the street. This nation's draconian and Puritanical societal norms put us at risk of injury and death – they hinder our very pursuit of Happiness. Celebrate your animal nature by watering the asphalt landscape (phaltscape) with a golden shower. Empty the bladder to free the soul.
mentiri factorem fecit – 場黑麥
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