Sandy boon or bust

Without doubt, both major-party political candidates will try to use the devastation and damage caused by erstwhile hurricane Sandy to their advantage. The incumbent Barack Obama will likely point to the rapid response time and widespread preparedness of thousands of emergency personnel as proof of his competency, as an indication of the methods by which he will tackle the nation's less immediate issues such as high unemployment, growing national debt, and our crumbling infrastructure. The challenger Mitt Romney will likely point to the sluggish federal response and lack of adequate leadership by the current administration as proof that our sitting president must be replaced, that he has a tendency to sit around lackadaisically while America drifts rudderless through the shoals of catastrophe, that his policies have failed, and that he is the greatest threat to the Safety of the People since redcoat placed boot on our soil.

I listened to NPR and checked the news regularly in the days and hours before Sandy made landfall, and, to my knowledge, Mr. Obama analyzed and calculated and fact-checked the storm as much and as thoroughly as he did his primary opponent in their third debate together. (Glaringly omitted from this debate were a couple of the other persons contending for the presidency, among them Dr. Jill Stein and former governor Gary Johnson, who were barred from attending the event and from sparring with their super-slick counterparts by the sinister and undemocratic machinations of the Commission on Electoral Debates a freedom-hating organization controlled jointly by the Democrat and Republican parties.) In all likelihood, Mr. Romney will blame his foe for failing to have prevented every tree from falling and every transistor from shorting out, for not acting quickly enough in his efforts to warn us sodden souls hardest hit by this frankenstorm of its exact path and true destructiveness, for worrying more about controlling the narrative and looking good on camera than visiting shelters and keeping hope alive. Hopefully, however, this time around, Mitt won't blame the few score deaths on the president (as he did following the tragic events in Benghazi) or insinuate that they would not have occurred under his watch, although if were to make such claims, he might alienate a few more swing voters and put himself out of the race altogether, which, in the long run, would work out just fine for liberty and equality here in America.

There is a chance that while he is out smiling condescendingly and surveying the shattered hovels of commoners the Republican challenger will fall into a ditch filled with sewage-mixed seawater and catch such a nasty cold that he will be bedridden for these last few days before the election, sparing us the torture of listening to his pitying smarm and of having to puzzle through the mounting mysteries of his constantly-shifting viewpoints. We shall see how things shake out once the storm of the century has passed. If you are interested in avoiding such disasters in the future, vote Green Party! Mahalo.

© mentiri factorem fecit (場黑麥)

commie don't float

  Lock your windows, and close your doors – there are commies about!

  Communists (commies), those self-same socialist scumbags that have infiltrated American society to its very core, are inherently evil, and ought to be killed on sight.

  You will find commie using such fiscally burdensome and morally decrepit things as public roads, bridges, communal parks, street-cars, and sidewalks. The interstate and intrastate highway systems are built and maintained using communal funds provided by the taxpayer, and, as socialist services that are dangerous to the American way, they must be avoided until they can be destroyed. (Switch to privately-funded road systems and for-profit bridges whenever possible, so as to avoid proximity to commie.) Avoid public libraries, public transportation, and public universities – these are all socialist holdouts (funded by taxpayer dollars) that provide services to all Americans equally. As institutions crucial to the socialist ideal, they must be avoided.

  Commies have been known to participate in local elections, where they support unnecessary and downright wasteful services such as police, firefighters, and sewage and water treatment services. Furthermore, the commie will, on the local as well as on the national level, support programs that provide assistance to the poor, the disabled, the elderly, and anyone equally as lazy, as incompetent, and as stupid to forestall buying into the glorious, inherent inequality of our beloved (free) market capitalism. Anyone who has voted for programs such as these, is a commie. Anyone who thinks that the wealth generated in America every year could feed, clothe, and house each and every citizen (if that wealth were not funneled into the pockets of the entrenched plutocracy), is a commie. Anyone who is stunned upon hearing that millions of America's children go to bed hungry each night, is a commie. Do not trust these loathsome miscreants.

  Wily and suspicious by foul, hellish nature, commie can be lured only into cunningly camouflaged traps, although it will come running readily if you hoist a red flag, or if your daughter is in heat. Commie will thrash about wildly once captured, so have your killing implement (bludgeon, cudgel, or similar) near to hand. The best bait for your commie-trap is any of the superb national brands of mechanically-separated meat product (preferably with a high sodium content) mixed with stale gingersnaps.

  As the headline suggests, a dead commie thrown into a river will not float – his body is made of a fibrous material similar to asbestos (but far more lethal when it comes into contact with the skin). Once it is killed, you should remove the dead commie from the water as soon as possible – its body will rot abnormally quickly, transforming almost overnight into an as-of-yet poorly understood substance that has the tendency to disperse before hardening, thus posing a hazard to shipping lanes and the elderly alike. As of press time, we have not been able to catch a commie to dissect its body in its living state: we knew enough not to let it live; we kill commie before commie can kill us.

  Remove the head of the dead commie as soon as you can – it might be faking death in hopes of spreading democracy and equality amongst the peoples of the world, when you are not looking. There is nothing worse than a wounded, near-dead commie spreading chaos and egalitarianism amidst your defensive lines. Wounding the commie will only enrage it, so take it down good and hard, as it will still be combat effective even after losing several limbs. Shooting off commie's leg will only slow it down, not stop it, so AIM FOR ITS MISSHAPEN HEAD!!! Setting the vile scum on fire (as with an improvised incendiary device) will only enrage it – it will charge your position and do everything in its power to burn it down before consumed by the flames. Stay alert – stay vigilant. Think of your loved ones. Think of the children. Do not hesitate.

  Every step toward communism is a step away from the American Way of Life. We must band together to stamp out the aforementioned socialist institutions. We must padlock our public schools, tear up our roads, disband our emergency services, raze our parks, smash our bridges, stop up the sewers, and burn our libraries to the ground. Only then will America be free of communism and its bastard cousin, socialism; only then might this shining land flourish once again.

  Know commie. It may seem peaceful, erudite, and well educated, but it is certainly an atheist, and a believer in small personal sacrifice for the greater common good. Mistrust commie – your stock options may depend on it. Fear commie – your life may depend on it. And remember, aim for its misshapen head, and put the bastard down for good.

  Ultima Ratio Regum - 場黑麥 John Paul Roggenkamp