the worst drugs

The meanest, sloppiest, most physically damaging, most noisome, and least classiest of drugs legal in America today are booze and smokes. Alcohol is among this nation's leading causes of liver disease, heartbreak, headaches, loneliness, spousal aggression, child abuse, wet beds, ruined lives, and sadness; alcohol is involved in the deaths of tens of thousands of Americans every year, and alcohol helps persons to enter mind-sets that help them to harm each other, to maim their kids, and to kill their spouses. Remember ten years ago how the airwaves hummed when a few thousand Americans died in a terrorist attack perpetrated supposedly by a Saudi Arabian man named Osama Bin Laden? Those selfsame airwaves stay silent when, year in and year out, a thousand Americans die each month from drinking the swill manufactured by Messieurs Beam, Bush, and Belvedere.

Few addictive substances pair as well with alcohol as does tobacco. That blue, toxic smoke! That throaty, rasping cough! Those two packs a-day incinerated and filtered through the lungs to the tune of two hundred dollars a month! Since quitting smoking at the end of last year, this author has had trouble fathoming how he smoked for so long, how he was able to stay reasonably healthy while shoving one cancer-stick after another into his raw and abused mouth, his chapped and reddened tongue lashing out to reposition the charlie between cracked and cankered lips, his throat tight and hurting from the constant and ceaseless abuse. Now, this author looks at smokers as one would look at slaves – as pitiable, lost souls clinging to a way of life that they known deep down is killing them, who are always coming up with excuses and reasons for not quitting, always patting themselves down and bumming loosies off of strangers, constantly suffering at the nicotine-stained hands of Messieurs Benson, Hedges, and Marlboro.

“Well then,” you are surely asking yourself at this juncture. “Oh-so-wise and teetotaling whorphan, if we are not to drink booze or smoke c-times, how the deuce are we supposed to dull the painful monotony of our wage-slaving, high-fructose-corn-syrup-eating, TV-watching lives?” There is but one answer, friend, to this question: reorganize your life so that its every aspect serves to celebrate the tender human spirit burning deep within your loins. (Practicing yoga daily is one of the most effective ways to accomplish this feat.) This author feels bad that he gets on peoples' cases and gives them shit for popping bronzes and toasting coffin-nails; he should be putting more pressure on members of the Senate and Congress, and on the president in the White House, for their shared refusal to protect the health and Happiness of the American people by outlawing and punishing users of alcohol and nicotine with a righteous fury similar to that with which they outlaw and punish users of cannabis. It is clear, however, that our elected officials have abandoned us in their haste to kowtow to their corporate bosses and other such super-rich bastards who keep money flowing into the campaign-coffers of dishonest and upstanding politicians alike. No, friend, we shall likely continue to suffer at the hands of the Marlboros and the Belvederes of this world as long as alcohol and tobacco companies keep bribing our supposed representatives with enough cash to convince them to keep deadly drugs legal while persecuting persons seeking to heal themselves the Natural way – by smoking weed. Oh, how have we allowed things to become so backward, and our leaders so corrupt? Surely, we have only ourselves to blame, though, we who ruin our lives and the lives of our children with alcohol and nicotine. Sighing, I remain, your most humble and loyal servant. Mahalo.

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