on rising panic

A deep pit opened in the depths of my bowls as he spoke his last words and hung up. I knew – simply knew! – that I had already burned the document he was asking for weeks ago, that it was now merely a pile of ash, that it was my fault that this crucial piece of our puzzle was gone, forever. Instead of allowing the rage to blossom within me and overwhelm my Spirit, however, I breathed deeply in the yogic way, bashed the sofa a few times with a steel bat, stopping when I felt frustration and self-loathing and panic abate. Immediately thereafter I tore into my work, opening this box and that, moving and stacking and re-stacking them, scrutinizing each scrap of paper, each fragment of text, desperate to exonerate myself of the terror building in my loins. I opened a cheap plastic folder and, instantly, the feel and the look of its cheap plastic pages reminded me of where I had hidden the requested few papers, of exactly the steps needed to clear the clouds of rising panic. And, indeed, there it was! Crisp and safe and well and calm, these few leaves of satiny paper that may just change the game for good. Huzzah, and aho.






© americanifesto / 場黑麥A deep pit opened in the depths of my bowls as he spoke his last words and hung up. I knew – simply knew! – that I had already burned the document he was asking for weeks ago, that it was now merely a pile of ash, that it was my fault that this crucial piece of our puzzle was gone, forever. Instead of allowing the rage to blossom within me and overwhelm my Spirit, however, I breathed deeply in the yogic way, bashed the sofa a few times with a steel bat, stopping when I felt frustration and self-loathing and panic abate. Immediately thereafter I tore into my work, opening this box and that, moving and stacking and re-stacking them, scrutinizing each scrap of paper, each fragment of text, desperate to exonerate myself of the terror building in my loins. I opened a cheap plastic folder and, instantly, the feel and the look of its cheap plastic pages reminded me of where I had hidden the requested few papers, of exactly the steps needed to clear the clouds of rising panic. And, indeed, there it was! Crisp and safe and well and calm, these few leaves of satiny paper that may just change the game for good. Huzzah, and aho.

© americanifesto / 場黑麥